Virtual playdates have replaced real playdates for many tweens.

I suspect there are multiple reasons behind this shift.

1) Kids schedules are so full these days that playdate time is rare and at irregular hours. It’s impractical to go over to a friends house at 8:15 at night. Even if itwere a more reasonable hour, travelling back and forth would eat up most of the available time. However, a text message followed by a few buttons pushed the console, and you’ve only lost 5 minutes of precious xbox-ing  time.

2) Life is “better” online. It’s sad, and it shouldn’t be true, but for many children (and adults), it is. Whether it’s virtual football or dodgeball or Call of Duty or even some free online time waster, kids can do things they cannot do in real life. The adventure and freedom is alluring, and so too is the ability to be someone you’re not. That slow, weak, unathletic kid can be a beast in Madden Football. The last boy off the bench can be an MVP in NBA 2K10. The girl who think her interests are too ” tomboy-ish” can be whoever she wants to be online. Opportunity and real-life ability is no issue in the online world.

3) Imperfections are hidden. Another sad one, I think, but the boy who stutters can simply play without a microphone or textchat instead of speaking. The child with a wart or a scar or a body they view as less than ideal, can be someone else. Have you ever looked at the avatars kids create for themselves? They are (literally) right out of the comic books in terms of the sterotypes and ideal forms depicted.

To be fair, I don’t mind the occasional online playdate. It is sometimes the only convenient way for kids to get together due to time or distance. With proper monitoring the time can be fun and safe (just as with a real life playdate). I just hope that it never fully replaces the real thing. We don’t need a world like that in Bruce Willis’ Surrogates.

You can watch the final 6 minutes of the series finale here.

I actually think it’s a very good message that Lily turns down the chance to go to Paris and live out a dream… because it’s not her dream, it’s Miley’s.

I spent much of the first 45 minutes of the episode telling my daughter how wrong I thought it was for Lily to delay going to college because she couldn’t be with Miley. The early scenes of the episode are episode are full of whining about how the two BFFs are not going to be going to college together.

As a parent, I found this desperation to be together to be one of the things I have dreaded seeing develop in my daughter’s relationships with friends. I’m glad my daughter has someone she considers a best friend, but I expect that relationship to allow her to be her own person. I want to see her care about others but look out for herself at the same time.

“A good friend wouldn’t being saying those things. That’s actually bullying, what she’s doing there” I told my daughter, as Lily moped and repeatedly took shots at Miley for considering a movie deal with Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise.

“Oh, that’s not right. Lily should do what she wants to do!” I said as Lily decided that if Miley wouldn’t go to college with her then she wasn’t going to go to college either.

What parent doesn’t dread their child making college and career plans based soley on what their high school sweetheart or best friend might do? Not to mention that the Hannah/Miley character is hardly the most stable person for someone to be following.

So, as the episode came to a close (the youtube clip above), we see Lily at the airport, reconsidering her decision. She shows all the strength and self-confidence I would hope to see in my daughter (or son) as she tells Miley that Paris is wonderful… “the problem is it’s your dream…”. Lily’s dream is college, and in a fantastic display of maturity and foresight, she says that no one can know if there might be another movie deal or tour or distraction down the road. Lily wishes Miley well, tells her she loves her, and heads out of the airport to return to college and follow her own dream.

That, to me, would have been the right message to send. Two great friends who grew up together, and love one another like sisters, are ready to go their own way… and that’s okay because both are doing what they really want to do, each is happy for the other, and there’s no reason to think that they won’t end up together down the road – maybe on some reunion show or spin off. At the very least it’s a happy ending.

The folks at Disney must’ve considered it too because this is an alternate ending they included on the DVDs…

However, that’s not the ending they showed on cable. On television (and in the first youtube clip), we are given three minutes more to watch. We see a mopey Miley and a contented Lily each going their own ways, and then ultimately… spoiler alert…. Miley shows up at college ready to be Lily’s roommate.

The studio audience cheers, but this father booed the screen.

The message sent was “if your best friend wont compromise on her dreams, you should compromise on yours.”

Luckily, my daughter doesn’t idolize Hannah Montana , but we still spent a good half-hour talking about what might’ve happened in the finale instead of what we’d seen and whether Hannah really made the right choice.

We talked about whether Hannah would really be happy or if she might always wonder “what if?” We talked about whether Lily might’ve been better off having a chance to make some new friends and not just be in Miley’s shadow. We talked about whether Speilberg and Cruise might’ve said “you know what? Forget her, let’s just get someone else” and never offered Miley a second chance. We talked about whether Miley’s ‘sacrifice’ would make Lilly feel like or Miley expect that Lily had to be the one who gave up her dreams next?

Again, I know this is all fiction on television, but it’s (semi-)realistic fiction. And whether she loves Miley/Hannah or not, she watched the show attentively enough that we had much to talk about afterward about what my daughter would do differently (or the same) if she were in each of those girls’ shoes.

I was reassured and pleased by my daughter’s views on things, but that didn’t lessen my disappointment in Disney and the shows writers for the path they chose to take. As my daughter put it “it’s not like one of the girls was sick or there was some sort of emergency!”

I am happy that my daughter defines best friends as people who care for one another and who will be there when you need them, not as two people who are trying to live the same life.

I do NOT expect television to parent my children, but I do expect Disney to be a source of positive examples – and in this instance I was disappointed in Disney and Hannah Montana.

I’m Jennifer’s mom. I think it’s great the way that Jennifer and your daughter, Olivia, get along so well.

We are in a weird situation, you and me, in that our children are friends, but we hardly know each other. I know very little about you and the way you like to run your household, and you know equally little about me and my way of doing things. Sure, we can discern a few things from how the other’s child behaves, but I know my kid does plenty of things I disagree with. I’m sure the same is true about you and yours.

My daughter hopes and expects that we will become friends. I wouldn’t mind that. Since starting a family most of my social interactions are generated from my husband’s work or my children’s activities. Sometimes my daughter gravitates toward a family that I’m not too comfortable with, but I’m hoping that you and I can maybe grab coffee sometime or get our husbands together and all get together. At least as long as our daughters are friends. If their friendship dissolves, then I suppose it would be come awkward.

Speaking of awkward, there are a few things I would never say to you directly, but I really should.

• Please try not to give my daughter snacks right before a 6 PM pickup from a playdate. Odds are I will be giving her dinner shortly after, and it is both difficult and frustrating to hear that she just ate a bunch of marshmallow treats moments before I arrived.
• Please let me know if your child has invited my daughter over when other friends will be present. My daughter enjoys your daughter’s company a great deal and is sometimes disappointed when what she expects will be one-on-one playtime isn’t. Especially if the other guests are people who she doesn’t care for.
• I respect the rules and freedoms you have in your household, please respect mine. For example, my daughter is NOT on Facebook. I understand that yours has been for years, and you think it is the greatest thing. I am very familiar with how it all works, but our family will make a decision about if and when to make that move on our own. Similarly, please give me the opportunity to say “it’s all right” or “we’d rather she didn’t” when you would like to push the envelope with the kids. It’s great that you have Netflix and access to that funny R-rated comedy that was out last summer. I would like the opportunity to say whether she is allowed to watch the movie, not find out afterward that the decision was made for me.
• I genuinely do appreciate the times you take her to the movies, skating, bowling, and such and you pay for her ticket. I will try to always send her with $20 for admission and or snacks. It is very nice of you to take care of her expenses, and I hope you know we will do the same if we bring your daughter somewhere. I do ask, however, that you discourage her from taking the money that was to go to admission and using it for video games and gift shop junk. That was not the reason I gave her the money, and while it is my responsibility to advise her of that – I would appreciate your support. I also have a line at which I’m not as comfortable with you paying for ticket. A $7 movie is one thing; a $50 ticket to an amusement park is another. I appreciate your generosity but please do not put me in a difficult position if I politely say “no, thank you”.
• Finally, please be prompt with picking up or dropping off your child. If there is a problem, please give a call so that we may adjust our schedules. Our children get along wonderfully, and I do enjoy Olivia as a guest, but we often have other things in our schedule and need a 6:00 pickup to be exactly that.

That came across a bit negatively, and I apologize for that. I do enjoy Olivia and am happy she and Jennifer are friends. I do hope we can become friends independently of our children. I have been through some rough situations with parents of my children’s other friends, and I just felt it might be best to clear the air – albeit passive aggressively.

Yours,

Parent X