You might think the coaches would reach out to us to ask why, or even to stop him in the hallways at school one day and ask him what he’s up to, but you’d be mistaken. We did not discuss our reasons with anyone, nor did we express any displeasure with the program in a way that the coaches should simply know why B is done with swimming. He simply did not come back for the summer and now fall seasons.

Strangely, we continue to receive information from the coaches and parent committee about fundraising, deadlines for meet entries, meetings, and the team photo. If you checked our in-box, you would think he was as active as he’d ever been. We even received bills for both the summer and fall seasons, with another invoice arriving yesterday for the winter season. Apparently, no one’s noticed that my son is no longer part of the team.

Now before you say it was his obligation to go to the coaches and speak with them, you need to understand that is not the way this team works. There is a good amount of turnover (because of how the program is run), and some departees are aggressively pursued and begged to come back while others are not. My husband did advise one of the assistant coaches back in the summer that B would not be back, and we indicated on both bills we’ve received that B is no longer part of the team. But, somebody isn’t listening.

To us, this simply reinforces one of the biggest reason’s B decided to stop being part of the team: he felt invisible. As indicated above, coaches did not learn his name, and nobody is inquiring why B isn’t part of the team anymore. I know it takes a lot to manage a team, but B’s coaches could’ve handled things differently. Had they asked why he wasn’t part of the team anymore, he would’ve felt valued and might have surprised them with his answer.

This being pre-NCLB-centered education, what went on in the various classrooms was not as coordinated as it is today. Some teachers regularly covered more material than others, and the work load and expectations were certainly not standard within the school. Ms. Miller pushed her students harder than nearly any other teacher in the school and her popularity suffered as a result. As I remember, she didn’t really care – she was very confident she was doing the right thing.

For many of the honors students in her class, this was the first time we were challenged. Our “excellence” had allowed us to coast through classes with high floors for a long time, but here we were challenged. Sentences had to have context clues showing you knew the meaning of the work. Books used for book reports had to be above grade level. Spelling and handwriting had to be reflective of the bright students we were.

I hated it, and I rebelled in the most passive way possible. Nearly every day, about 10 minutes before English class, I would go to the nurse and complain of feeling “fluish”. This went on for several months. Sometimes I’d just rest in the nurses office, sometimes I’d go home. But I wasn’t going to English class.

Go me. Good job earning my first D! I really showed Ms. Miller, huh?

In hindsight, someone should have intervened. I should have been challenged by the nurse or a guidance counselor. Ms. Miller did have an “I know what you’re doing here” conversation with me once, but being enemy #1, I just dismissed what she said. But I never forgot it.

Nor, did I forget the things she taught me.

My son has never had a “Ms. Miller.” Some of his previous teachers have shown flashes of Ms. Miller’s values, but the heterogeneous grouping of students in his classes, overly generous classification of “honors students”, emphasis on high-stakes test scores, standards based reports cards, and grade-level wide uniform lesson planning have inhibited their efforts to emphasize spelling and hold high expectations.

So it has fallen to me to impart the lessons I learned (despite my best efforts to ignore them) from Ms. Miller. I stress the importance of good spelling in assignments where spelling mistakes will not be penalized. I encourage the construction of vocabulary sentences which allow the reader to discern the meaning of the word from context clues. I recommend reading accelerated reading choices which have been around since the 70s over the latest Judy Moody book. And I encourage my son to always do his best, even when a lazy effort will be considered among the top showings.

Like Ms. Miller’s lessons, these messages are not always popular with my son. And, like Ms. Miller I’m content with that. I do wish that he was hearing it in school and I could be in the role of reinforcing the ideas instead of seeming to add to the workload, but I’m confident it’s the right thing.

I never thanked Ms. Miller for what she did. I never apologized either… I was too young and immature to realize how wrong I was and how right she was. But she WAS right, and I’m happy to be in a position where I can help my son excel by sharing the things she taught me.

Her father and I did all we could to prepare her: clothes, school supplies, some summer “school work”, a number of talks about boys, peer pressure, “mean girls” and more. We made it a point to watch some of the classic coming of age films with her and discuss the fact and fiction components of it all, but one thing we couldn’t really prepare her for was the expectations that would be put upon her by her new teachers.

My husband and I lamented the hand-holding and low expectations we saw in elementary school and have long worried about our daughter’s ability to adjust to the higher expectations she’d face in Grade 7. I’m not simply talking about more homework and a faster pace, I am referring to the changing of classes, the start of note taking, and the like.

This week we have found that our fears were well founded. After only 2 days of school, my daughter is already feeling overwhelmed and unprepared. She has yet to come up with a notebook/folder system that will accommodate her schedule. Half of the school supplies we bought are the “wrong ones” (although they are very mainstream items). And, I can’t help but wonder if this could have been avoided by two things.

1) An orientation day for new students. Our district does not bring the Grade 7 students into the middle school until the first day of school. Aside from a schedule and bus information, we received no “heads up” about what would be needed or expected during the first week of school. My understanding is that many other towns hold orientations. And our local high school does too. But, the middle school is treated as just another grade.

This would be fine if it weren’t for the disappointingly low expectations of the Grade 5 and Grade 6 teachers in our district. After watching my daughter breeze through Grades 1 – 6, I can’t help but lament the time wasted and opportunities missed to better prepare her for middle school and to have taught her more.

2) Being a student in Grades 5 and 6 should be treated less like a significant accomplishment deserving of reward and special treatment, and more like a transition period with high standards and a curriculum more like what students will see in Grades 7 – 12.

My daughter will adjust as she always does. But it pains me to see her struggle and frustrates me to know it’s an unnecessary headache for her. She should have been better prepared by her school, but the sad thing is that her elementary school and middle school won’t even compare notes so her fate is destined to be suffered by many future classes of students, just as it has been for many in the past.

You see, my wife had bought juicy, deli franks. The ones with the sausage like casings. And as the dogs heated up on the grill, they made a little squeaking/hissing sound.

My daughter was in tears, “they’re screaming, Daddy!” she sobbed. And how could i make them stop? Poke a hole in it? Lift them off the flame?

The kids know hot dogs are meat and technically not “dogs” but they don’t understand the whole processed food. And to see them “plump when you cook ‘em” and to make a noise as the pressure burst the casing was just too much.

They obviously didn’t eat any hot dogs (I wonder if they ever will again), but did come back out and join us.

I attempted to explain what they had witnessed by heating a “steam in the bag” vegetable pack in the microwave, but I’m not sure it took.

We’ll see. But one thing’s for sure. We won’t be having hot dogs this weekend.

1)  Don’t respond to or acknowledge stupidity or meanness online.

Yes, you absolutely should defend yourself or stand up for your friends. However, do it by voice, in person. Not only is this a more effective way of resolving the situation, but also responding online will likely exacerbate the problem.

2) Type the way you speak.

You are often complimented by your teachers for your vocabulary and writing skills. Communicate the way you do in “real life.” You don’t speak with an accent. You’re not homeless or living on the street. You’re not a member of a gang. You are not rich. You know how to spell. Type in a way that reflects that.

3) Assume everyone you interact with online is naive and gullible.

I’m not suggesting you take advantage of people, but rather that you assume they “don’t get” pretty much everything. Assume they won’t get your sarcasm or wit. Assume they won’t know you’re kidding. Assume they don’t know what your pronouns mean. And most importantly, assume they’re not careful about their computers. Some of the nicest people in the world, send bad links and spam. Don’t assume they know better – they probaby don’t.

4) Become Snopes.com savvy.

Well, it doesn’t have to be Snopes, but learn how to verify those too-good-to-be-true emails and urban legends. You can find most of them at Snopes, but you can also cut and paste a few lines of any chain-email into Google and you’ll find out it’s validity (or lack thereof) in an instant. Plus, Snopes knowledge is the new bar fact.

5) Remember that your online presence is meant to complement, not replace, your real world experiences.

Call a friend on a phone. Get out and play real basketball or cards instead of virtual games. Be face to face with living people at least as often as you spend time online. And, if things ever seem to be going wrong online, be sure to remember rule 1 and address the issues IN PERSON.

Fingers crossed,

Mom X

Okay, okay… I have no idea if the FBI really does put people who donate to Sea Shephard or are active members of their support community on a terror watch list. In fact, I suspect they don’t do anything of note… maybe log an ip or add the names to a list buried somewhere. But what about other countries? What about 10 or 15 years from now when Sea Shepherd finds itself on the wrong side of a politically powerful movement or individual? What about the way things on the internet seem to last forever? What if my daughter goes to apply for a job 15 years from now and her love of Captain Watson proves to be a reason she’s blacklisted? What if in 2030, her company does lots of business in Japan, but she is unable to enter the country because they are retaliating against those who fought whaling in the 2010′s?  Silly, I know… right?

Now, hold on… before you blast me with criticism, please allow me to make some important points.

1. I’m not saying any of this is really gonna happen. I’m just saying, who knows how the tides may change (no pun intended) 15, 20, 40 years from now and what will be held against who by whom?
2. I understand that part of being an activist is standing up for change and what you believe in despite the risk of repercussions and it being unpopular with some people. I get that. But, my daughter’s 11.
3. My daughter’s 11, did I mention that?  She’s not quite ready to make major decisions on her own, and I’m not looking to make them for her in this arena. The Whale Warriors can’t be that desperate for foot soldiers that I have to commit her to the cause before she fully understands what she’s fighting for and against. I suspect they’ll still be there and glady accept her assistance when she’s 16 or 18 or 21 and able to choose to give it herself.
4. My daughter is 11. I want to buy her a hat and a t-shirt, not declare the actions of another culture to be against nature’s lawas. Not that I condone some of what goes on, but I’m not fully informed, nor am I comfortable imposing my morals on another culture. Yes, what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong… but what’s right and what’s wrong is sometimes subjective.  And I’m sure some of the things I do and the actions of some people I support would be opposed by othrs. I’m not looking to engage in that war. I eat at Mc Donalds, I think leather seats are comfortable, and I just want to buy a cute t-shirt and maybe a bag for my daughter. She’s 11, she’s allowed to support “the cause” at only a pre-teen level.
5. My non-enlistment should not be viewed as condemnation of the actions of Sea Shephard. I think they’re great. And just like many of their supporters, I follow their actions online, I agree with a lot of what they do, I watch the show, I am learning more about some of the ways I can effect change and trying to do what I can… which is more than I used to do.  I’m a casual fan, and a moderately informed supporter. I just don’t want to put my daughter at the forefront of it all, and attach her name to something she doesn’t fully understand.

So we quietly fight the fight. We pick up plastic bags from the beach, she writes her essays in school about ocean conservation issues, and we try to be good, nature appreciating people.

And I feel badly for it… like I’m doing something wrong, or not enough.

But my daughter is my number one priority, and we can enjoy and support the work of Sea Shephard from a distance, with her name off any watch lists.

I hope that’s enough for now… it should be. And if it’s not, then maybe I need to take a closer look at who I’m supporting (passively) and what they really stand for.

I think it’s fine… I don’t think anyone who matters has an issue with our casual support. But I’m a worrier, and as I said… my daughter is my number one priority, and she’s only 11.

We burned the video to some DVDs and shared it via email and disc with a handful of friends and family members, but it’s never made it to the internet – and likely won’t ever.

We’ve thought about it… especially as my son has become aware of and begun to take pride in his online presence, but then I try to look to the future. He might be thrilled to have it online when he’s 9, how will he feel when he’s 16?

I’ve preached to my children (and wife) over and over that we can never underestimate the “it’s out there forever” and “you lose control of what you are sharing” aspect of an online presence. As a podcaster and a blogger, I put quite a bit of myself out there, but I’m an adult.  My children do not yet grasp just what might happen.

I can’t imagine how I’d undo the damage that comes from having the video you made with your friends end up being mocked on Tosh.0 or that funny picture you took with your buddy ending up on some blog targetting embarrassing photos. And that doesn’t even go into what creative people with no morals can do with your content.

I try to be cognizant of the impact my online presence may have on my children as well. Right now they are intrigued by at all, in ten years, they’ll be mortified. I know that, and try to keep that in mind in all that I do.

Facebook is a whole other venture. My oldest is on facebook, and I try all the time to remind him to think twice before posting ANYTHING. The hardest part is that his friends won’t always be his friends, and then there’s just how sincere those friendships really are. And don’t even get me started on the friends of friends.

Your chlid’s online presence is like their belief in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. There are a million people with no respect for it, but its something that is worth fighting to protect.

And so, the greatest movie you’ll never see sits in a folder on my PC. It’s too bad, because it’s really good.

Young kids marvel at the flat front buses, wondering if their distrct will ever upgrade from the common dog-nosed models. High School students balk at taking the bus, but brainstorm renting a bus in lieu of a limo for proms and post-graduation parties. In some districts, the band will have its own bus – proudly painted in the school colors and ready to follow the football team or take the band to one of its competitions.

Unfortunately, the bus is one of the most undisciplined and poorly regulated areas where you will send your children. Bad things happen on the bus… from vandalism, cheating, smoking and drug dealing, and as significant as any of these – bullying.

The school bus drivers are effectively powerless. They see the children for a maximum of a hour a day and have no power to penalize other than with a detention referral. They cannot ban a student from the bus – those decisions must go through multiple channels and will likely be overturned on appeal. They are asked to shuttle the students, and cannot multitask safely to discipline students and manage their behavior in 40 rows of high backed seats. Understandably (but regrettably), many of them choose to go the “be my friend” route. Some are parents from within the district, and come to the position already with familiarity both on their side and working against them. They try to manage the bus with a “help me out” attitude, using tattle tales and reports from students they consider “good” and trustworthy (often having been duped). And so the lawlessness runs rampant.

It begins at the bus stops. Bus stops are determined by the school districts. The locations may be “public”, such as a street corner, but even those are in front of someone’s home. There is an implied “your in charge” policy for the nearest adult and/or household, whether they want it or not. Most do not, and again… familiarity leads to “come on guys, help me out and be good, okay?” which leads to the better known, more confident kids running the show. The inmates running the asylum, so to speak.

Most schools claim to have no authority. The kids are out of the building, there’s not much they can do. Have you spoken to the bus driver? But in reality, they are the ONLY ones who have power in this situation.

What happens on the school bus is thier responsiblity, and their jurisdictional arguments are inappropriate. If they have passed of safety and discipline matters to the transportation service, then they must also empower that service to enforce the rules.

My child hates riding the school bus. This is largely because she has been a victim of the aggressive misconduct of other students. Every year I convince her to give it another chance, with the encouragement that this might the be year things are different. Every year, I spend three months going through channels, documenting incidents, pleading for changes to make her feel safe. Every year, by the time the first cards are sent home, I am driving her to and from school several times a week.

I call upon the administrators of all school districts to put some bite behind your behvioral policies and anti-bullying stances. You send home dozens of pamphlets, have links on your websites, say all the right things, but then refuse to make meaningful interventions on the misconduct of students.

SOMEONE poked pencil holes in that seat on the bus. SOMEONE drew a swastika. SOMEONE blew spitwads at that boy, made that girl in the second to last row cry, spilled Gatorade, copied homework, threw paper out the bus window. NO ONE was disciplined for it – and so it goes on.

For some reason, my child’s school district has decided that we need 4 opportunities each year (not including make-ups) to buy a photograph of our child in front of a photoshopped patriotic or tropical background.

Honestly, my suspicion is that someone in the district has close ties to the photography studio. I find it hard to believe that these “$18 for two 5×7 photos and 6 wallet-size” are the result of a bid process or that anyone truly believes this many photo ops are necessary. I’m equally suspicious that the school receives a small “finders fee” from each photo package sold. I see no other justification for why these  photo ops are more heavily promoted than school band concerts or back-to-school night. I’d rather have more information about my child’s next science test than to already know the school picture dates for 2012 and 2013.

I admit that I do want to buy the class group photo  (at least until my child was in middle school); however, I also wanted the format to be similar year to year. I buy these photos to record the progression of time and would have preferred Grades 1 – 6 to have been the same size photo, taken from the same approximate angle, on comparable weight photo paper.  Sadly, this is not the case. But hey, what can I expect when I’m only paying $12-15 per photo, right?

The individual “headshots” are another matter. I don’t mind buying one per year (although, again, they are very overpriced). However, I do not appreciate my child being pressured to dress nicely for a second and third “picture day” on which I do not intend to buy the photo. I do not appreciate the letter home telling me (generically) that I may not have realized how much my child has grown and their appearance changed since October December March and that I need to spend $20 or more so that the school-endorsed photographer can save me from my own apathy

How about you send me a letter telling me about how my child is performing academically or behaving? My child brings home five half-completed pieces of artwork each year and somehow gets a B+ in Art. Why not send a letter home explaining why the artwork isn’t complete or even what it was intended to be when it was finished?

I see that another parent has already posted on this site about the burden of fundraising. Many of her points apply here.  I say add school book fairs and picture days to the list of  things that need to be reconsidered. This parent’s bank account can’t take the strain.

[For the record, we will NOT be buying "Package G" today. My child was quite insistent about dressing for school picture day and very upset to learn that we were not going to be making a purchase. As a compromise we took a photo in our living room which I will Photoshop to have some exotic background. I'll print out a couple of 5 x 7 and 8 x 10 photos, maybe some wallet size too... for a total expense of $1.93. Maybe I should look into the school letting me be the photographer for a fifth school picture day.]

I’m Jennifer’s mom. I think it’s great the way that Jennifer and your daughter, Olivia, get along so well.

We are in a weird situation, you and me, in that our children are friends, but we hardly know each other. I know very little about you and the way you like to run your household, and you know equally little about me and my way of doing things. Sure, we can discern a few things from how the other’s child behaves, but I know my kid does plenty of things I disagree with. I’m sure the same is true about you and yours.

My daughter hopes and expects that we will become friends. I wouldn’t mind that. Since starting a family most of my social interactions are generated from my husband’s work or my children’s activities. Sometimes my daughter gravitates toward a family that I’m not too comfortable with, but I’m hoping that you and I can maybe grab coffee sometime or get our husbands together and all get together. At least as long as our daughters are friends. If their friendship dissolves, then I suppose it would be come awkward.

Speaking of awkward, there are a few things I would never say to you directly, but I really should.

• Please try not to give my daughter snacks right before a 6 PM pickup from a playdate. Odds are I will be giving her dinner shortly after, and it is both difficult and frustrating to hear that she just ate a bunch of marshmallow treats moments before I arrived.
• Please let me know if your child has invited my daughter over when other friends will be present. My daughter enjoys your daughter’s company a great deal and is sometimes disappointed when what she expects will be one-on-one playtime isn’t. Especially if the other guests are people who she doesn’t care for.
• I respect the rules and freedoms you have in your household, please respect mine. For example, my daughter is NOT on Facebook. I understand that yours has been for years, and you think it is the greatest thing. I am very familiar with how it all works, but our family will make a decision about if and when to make that move on our own. Similarly, please give me the opportunity to say “it’s all right” or “we’d rather she didn’t” when you would like to push the envelope with the kids. It’s great that you have Netflix and access to that funny R-rated comedy that was out last summer. I would like the opportunity to say whether she is allowed to watch the movie, not find out afterward that the decision was made for me.
• I genuinely do appreciate the times you take her to the movies, skating, bowling, and such and you pay for her ticket. I will try to always send her with $20 for admission and or snacks. It is very nice of you to take care of her expenses, and I hope you know we will do the same if we bring your daughter somewhere. I do ask, however, that you discourage her from taking the money that was to go to admission and using it for video games and gift shop junk. That was not the reason I gave her the money, and while it is my responsibility to advise her of that – I would appreciate your support. I also have a line at which I’m not as comfortable with you paying for ticket. A $7 movie is one thing; a $50 ticket to an amusement park is another. I appreciate your generosity but please do not put me in a difficult position if I politely say “no, thank you”.
• Finally, please be prompt with picking up or dropping off your child. If there is a problem, please give a call so that we may adjust our schedules. Our children get along wonderfully, and I do enjoy Olivia as a guest, but we often have other things in our schedule and need a 6:00 pickup to be exactly that.

That came across a bit negatively, and I apologize for that. I do enjoy Olivia and am happy she and Jennifer are friends. I do hope we can become friends independently of our children. I have been through some rough situations with parents of my children’s other friends, and I just felt it might be best to clear the air – albeit passive aggressively.

Yours,

Parent X